


My One and Only Thought

by London9Calling



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Military, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood and Injury, Broken Xiuhan, EXO M - Freeform, Exes, Graphic Description of Injury, M/M, POV Multiple
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-26 06:36:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20737832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/London9Calling/pseuds/London9Calling
Summary: Minseok goes missing on Lu Han’s wedding day.





	My One and Only Thought

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt #: Self Prompt
> 
> A/N: Inspired by Minseok’s recent enlistment, the rumors that Lu han’s father is in the army, and a heavy dose of chapters 18 -20 something of Book 2 of Are You Addicted? (你丫上瘾了) by Chai Jidan, which gave me the premise I am working with in this fic. I am not a military expert by any means, so I am sure some military elements in this fic are incorrect. I apologize in advance. 
> 
> Title is from the book The White Company: “You are my heart, my life, my one and only thought.” (by Arthur Conan Doyle)

Yixing relaxed against the door frame, his legs crossed and his hands in his pockets. A slight breeze traveled down the hall behind him, carried through the open church doors. The scent of flowers filled the room. Yixing couldn’t tell what specific flowers made up the numerous arrangements that had been brought into the room periodically through the morning, he wasn’t much of a flower guy, but they were pretty. Pinks, reds, blues, whites, yellows, and oranges.

“Shouldn’t these be going to your bride’s room?” Yixing asked as he stepped aside to let yet another bouquet welding worker inside the room. Flowers seemed like they should be with the bride.

Lu Han stood in front of the floor-length mirror, his hands working on the olive-green tie around his neck. “Huh?” he asked, not turning around.

Yixing didn’t repeat himself. He gestured towards one of the remaining free spots on the large table in the corner, giving the worker an idea of where to set the pink and white floral arrangement.

“I think the entire company has sent something at this point.” Yixing patted the worker on the back as he passed, confident he would see him again before the day was out. He walked to the new addition and looked for the card, finding the tiny pink note amid the sprays of baby’s breath. “Congratulations on your marriage, Captain Lu,” Yixing read aloud. “Private third-class Xi.”

Lu Han looked over his shoulder. “Xi? That was nice of him. His mother is sick, I’m touched he remembered me.”

Yixing let the card slip between his fingers, watching it disappeared back into the thick foliage. He paced towards his best friend, walking to take a seat in one of the velvet chairs that sat next to the mirror.

He watched as Lu Han went back to tidying up his dress uniform, putting on his jacket and carefully adjusting the medals. He was a sight to behold, and Yixing could readily admit it. Lu Han was handsome, in a delicate way that belied his more aggressive and stubborn nature. His black hair was cut short at the sides but longer on top, the typical military hairstyle. His cheekbones were high but plump, his eyes possessing an unusual clarity. His mouth and chin were small and well-formed. He looked much younger than his thirty years, which Yixing could admit made him more than a little jealous. Wrinkles were not his friend of late.

“Are you nervous?” Yixing asked.

Lu Han glanced at him. “No. Never.” It was a bold-faced lie, and Yixing knew it. He knew it because Lu Han was fidgeting, trying to hide the nervous energy that coursed through him.

The door to the room opened. Lu Han’s father’s assistant, Lance Corporal Huang, peeked his head inside. “Should be an hour at the most,” he said.

Lu Han made eye contact through the mirror. “Is Captain Kim Minseok here yet?”

Lance Corporal Huang shook his head. “Not yet.”

Yixing could see a flicker of emotion pass over Lu Han’s expression.

“Your father said to be ready whether he is here or not,” Huang said before closing the door softly behind him.

Yixing sighed.

“I’m sure he’s just running late,” Lu Han said – like he was trying to convince himself it was true.

Yixing feigned a smile. He highly doubted Kim Minseok was running late, but he couldn’t say it. Not to his best friend, not on his wedding day. Not when the implications could be disastrous. He had learned long ago that Lu Han was often unpredictable when it came to Kim Minseok.

General Lu directed his stern gaze at Yixing, knowing full well that his son wasn’t paying attention. Yixing had grown up with the General almost like a second father, he knew that look, and it wasn’t something to ignore.

Yixing stalked down the aisle. On either side of him, the guests were growing restless, chattering quietly and shifting on the uncomfortable church pews. The organist was on his third concerto and was starting to sound messy. Something needed to happen and _fast_.

He caught sight of Lu Han near the church doors, his phone in his hand. He was staring at the screen. A second later, he pushed the door open and slipped outside. Yixing followed him.

“Everyone is ready to begin,” Yixing said in a quiet voice, urging his friend to enter the church and take his place at the altar.

Lu Han looked up from his phone. “Minseok isn’t here yet.”

Yixing put his hand on his best friend’s shoulder. “Lu Han,” he said slowly.

“He wouldn’t miss this,” Lu Han interrupted. He glanced towards the road. “Yixing, he said he’d be here.”

Yixing squeezed Lu Han’s shoulder. “He’s probably stuck in traffic. We can’t hold this up any longer.”

Lu Han clutched his phone. “Ten more minutes.”

“Lu Han-”

Lu Han’s phone buzzed, a second before his ringtone blared. He slid his finger along the call button and put the phone to his ear, not allowing his ringtone to sound for more than a few seconds.

Yixing stepped back and watched as the groom took the call.

“Yes.” Lu Han turned around.

“Where?”

Yixing could tell from his tone of voice it was something serious and most likely something related to the military. It was _that _phone that had rung, after all. The black, utilitarian phone that Lu Han carried, not the silver, trendy one that was for his personal life.

“How long?” Lu Han turned, and Yixing could see immediately that something was _very wrong_. Lu Han looked unusually pale as he clutched the phone to his ear. “Where was he last seen?”

Lu Han spoke a few more words before he was jogging down the stone steps of the church. Yixing trailed after him. “Where are you going?”

Lu Han signaled one of the military guards that stood near the entrance. “Bring my car,” he shouted.

“Lu Han, what’s going on?” Yixing asked, catching up to him.

“It’s Minseok, he’s gone missing during a military exercise,” Lu Han said. “I have to go find him.”

“Your wedding,” Yixing said, voice feeble, already knowing deep down it was a lost cause.

The black car pulled up in front of them, the soldier/chauffeur unlocking the doors with a click. Lu Han reached for the door handle.

“Tell her I’m sorry,” Lu Han said over his shoulder as he slid into the car. “I have to go.”

Yixing stood, dumbly staring as the car sped off towards the entrance. _Tell her I said sorry. _Yixing sighed, his shoulders sagging. There wouldn't be a wedding that day.

Or maybe ever.

Once the car had disappeared into the bustling traffic of Beijing, no longer visible from the church, Yixing turned around and headed back inside, his head lowered.

The first thing Minseok registered when he woke up was the smell. A noxious, thick scent invaded his nostrils, making him cringe. It smelled like rotten vegetation mixed with food waste. He blinked his eyes open, squinting into the blinding sunlight that cut through the broken forest canopy.

He groaned, struggling to sit up. His body responded with a bolt of pain that shot up from his left calf, through his thigh. Minseok cried out and grabbed at his leg, pain pulsating through his left side.

His fatigues were torn and muddied, and there was blood evident along the ragged edges of one long tear. Minseok doubled forward, closing his eyes as he willed the pain away. What had happened?

He could remember the jump from the plane. It should have been routine, the drop near the mountain and the trek back. He wanted to do it before he sent his men in to make the same jump, it was only right.

Everything had been going fine until the wind picked up, veering him away from the drop zone. He remembered falling to the earth at an angle, his reserve chute catching in time to slow him down, but not in time to allow him to hit his target. He must have been knocked unconscious when he hit the trees, only recalling the dense green trees fast approaching, followed by nothingness.

His parachute. Minseok’s hands flew to his chest, feeling for the familiar rigging of an army-issue parachute. Still there. When he craned his head to see above him, he could see the half-opened reserve chute snared in broken branches, hanging lopsided from a tree over his head. He would need to cut himself free.

Minseok felt in his uniform pockets until he found his knife. Pulling it out, he went to work severing the rigging - no easy task due to the thickness of the straps. The work made him forget about his injury, the moment he was free the pain came rushing back. He cried out, hand going to his leg.

If he had to guess, he would say he probably tore tendons or muscle. It wasn’t a break. He had broken his arm back when he was still a Junior Lieutenant, he knew the feeling, and his leg was not radiating the same type of pain he had back then. It was throbbing, but it wasn’t shattered.

“Shit,” Minseok swore under his breath. The reality of his situation set in. He was on the side of a mountain, in a thick forest. He knew the army would be looking for him, but the terrain was hardly navigable, which is precisely why they had chosen it for their training exercise. Unfortunately, he was off course from where they had mapped out a return to civilization, meaning he would have to forge his own path and hope that he met up with a rescue team on the way. It would be hard going with his leg in the shape it was in, but he would have to try.

Minseok struggled to get to his feet, pushing off from the damp ground and forcing his weight onto his good leg. He faltered, falling backward. He cried out at the bolt of pain that tore through his leg.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” Minseok took a deep breath and tried again, managing to get himself upright on the second try.

The sounds of quiet weeping filtered from the bridal chamber. Yixing could hear it, he felt a pang of guilt at eavesdropping. He had no doubt she wouldn’t want people to know she was crying, even if everyone would understand; she had been left at the altar, after all. 

“Yixing, come here.” Yixing looked down the hall, to where Wu Yifan stood, gesturing for him to come to him. Yifan was dressed in his military uniform, the insignia denoting he had the same rank as Lu Han, a Captain.

Yixing gratefully put some distance between himself and the crying bride, sidling up to Yifan.

Yifan led them around the hall, to a place near the side exit of the church. It was quiet here, away from the place where guests still lingered, not yet accepting or understanding the wedding had been called off.

“What happened?” Yifan asked. He was tall, imposing in his stature and his features. He looked scary, but Yixing had known him almost as long as he had known Lu Han, and he was fully aware that wasn’t the case. Yifan was as harmless as a puppy.

“He said something about Minseok going missing. Lu Han went to look for him.” Yixing sighed. “I’m worried his father is going to make it difficult. If Minseok is really injured-”

“I’ll make some calls.” If anyone could protect Lu Han from his father’s rage, it was Yifan and his deep connections in the military. He was a fifth-generation officer, his network was extensive. “I’ll make sure that his father can’t interfere.” Yifan exhaled. “He won’t stop until he finds him, and if his father tries to get in the way he’ll be insubordinate.”

Yixing nodded. Lu Han wouldn’t bend to his father’s will for this. Not if Kim Minseok was injured.

“He still loves him, doesn’t he?” Yifan asked quietly.

Yixing nodded. “He’s never admitted it, but I think so.”

Lu Han didn’t admit much when it came to Kim Minseok, but Yixing could read Lu Han like a book. They had been friends since they were toddlers. He knew when Lu Han was lying by the way the corners of his lips would quirk up. He knew the buried sadness that his friend would only show for a fleeting second before shutting it away again. And he knew how much he had loved Kim Minseok and probably still did.

“Hopefully it works out this time,” Yifan said. “For both of their sakes.”

Minseok managed to make a fire as the sun set. It was a good sign, something to hold onto. At least he wouldn’t freeze to death in the forest before he was rescued. Probably. His clothing was damp, the ground was wet, and he had spotted dark clouds in the sky towards the east.

Minseok huddled close to the fire. His injured leg lay in front of him, stretched out. He massaged his thigh as much as he could manage, trying to adjust it until it was comfortable.

His stomach growled. He had some rations on him, enough to subsist for a few days. The trek out of the drop zone should have taken two days, but now he wasn’t sure how long he would be in the wilderness.

Minseok stared at the fire. He was supposed to be back in civilization in two days. He had planned it that way because it meant he would be gone for….

Minseok swallowed and looked up. He could spot some of the stars through the dense forest canopy.

Lu Han should be married now. He was probably laughing and toasting alongside his new wife, receiving congratulations from the thousand plus wedding guests. Minseok could imagine how Lu Han would look in his military dress uniform, how he would smile and try to make awkward small talk as he made the rounds at his reception. He would probably make some unbearably cheesy toast that made people groan, and then drink a little too much until he thought he could sing at the reception.

Minseok blinked the tears away, ignoring the feeling of the drops sliding down his cheeks.

Things had always been complicated with Lu Han. They had met years ago, when they were in their early twenties, both commissioned officers. Minseok was one of the few South Koreans to serve in the People’s Liberation Army. His parents had moved to China when he was a child, and he considered himself as much Chinese as Korean.

He could still recall the first time they met, at an Officers-only event at Zhurihe Training Base. They were both the quiet ones, the less outgoing among the other officers. It didn’t take long for a kinship to form, and then…

Minseok wiped away his tears.

Lu Han’s marriage would need to fade to the background. He needed to get out of the forest alive. Everything else would come later.

“Are you actually surprised by any of it?” Jongdae asked. He gave Yixing a brief look, his eyebrows raised.

Yixing melted into the sofa, muscles going lax. He stared up at the ceiling. “No, I guess not.”

Jongdae shifted next to him, cuddling into his side. They were both still half-dressed in their formal attire, their ties long discarded but their tuxedo shirts and pants still in place. Yixing was happy to be back in their small apartment, away from the wedding debacle. He had delivered the bad news to the bride, and her expression was burned into his memory.

“I thought we were gayest of the gay, but after seeing Minseok around Lu Han and vice versa, we look fairly tame.” Jongdae rested his head on Yixing’s shoulder. “It was kind of disgusting to watch if I’m being honest. I’m amazed they managed to stay broken up for as long as they did.”

Yixing thought back to when Lu Han and Minseok had been officially dating.

He had never seen Lu Han so happy before, it was a bit disorienting. Lu Han had always been hyper with a bit of a mischievous streak, one that even the army couldn't work out of him. Kim Minseok tamed Lu Han’s wild ways like Yixing couldn’t even imagine. His best friend changed because of Minseok and for the better. It was like he had discovered a piece of himself that he had been missing until then.

“What do you think will happen?” Jongdae asked. “To leave your own wedding because your ex is in danger...”

It was the unsaid words, the unanswered questions, that would determine the fate of three people.

“I’m not sure,” Yixing said softly. He reached for Jongdae’s hand, giving it a squeeze. “Hopefully, whatever happens, it’s for the better.”

A human can survive, give or take, twenty-one days without food, but death becomes a genuine possibility if three days pass without water. Minseok knew it well, he had to. How many times was he scolding his men, making sure they carried enough rations, understood the importance of clean water. He knew based on the provisions he had brought with him how long he could potentially survive, assuming there were no complications.

Of course, there were complications. Minseok managed to stagger due east, the direction of the military installation he had flown out of. He guessed he had maybe made it two miles all day before he collapsed onto the ground, his leg giving out under him. Later that evening, as he slept, his meal pack was raided by an animal. What kind, he could not say, since he woke up to the pack open and nearly empty, his rations gone.

Minseok clenched his hands into fists, anger rising in his chest. It was ridiculous that he found himself in such a situation. He had spent over a decade as a professional soldier, and he was good at what he did. The jump to the mountainside wasn’t even that difficult when he compared it to past training exercises. To find himself injured, alone, lost, it was an affront to the skills he knew he possessed.

Minseok knew it couldn’t come at a worse time, shit was already hard enough. He didn’t need this to happen when he was throwing himself into what should be a routine mission, all in the name of forgetting about a particular church in Beijing, decorated for a lavish wedding. It wasn’t fair.

A light rain began to fall shortly after Minseok woke up. He huddled closer to the dying fire, his jaw clenching, his anger rising. The throbbing of his leg mingled in with his rage until he was lifting his face to the sky and shouting, a guttural noise that rose into the night.

“As of oh-seven-hundred hours this morning, Captain Lu has been declared missing.” Lance Corporal Huang made the announcement matter-of-factly, showing little emotion. “It has been three days since he left Beijing.”

Yifan nodded, eyes glassy. “Have the rescue teams found any sign of either of them?”

Lance Corporal Huang shook his head. “No, sir. Captain Kim has not been seen since he parachuted towards the drop zone. Captain Lu was last seen on the sole trailhead that leads into the forest. Rescue helicopters and teams were deployed the day of Captain Kim set out, but so far they have had no success locating them.”

“Thank you. Dismissed.” Yifan accepted Huang’s salute, sinking back down in his chair once the Lance Corporal was gone, likely scurrying back to the general he served. He tented his fingers and lost himself in thought.

Lu Han wouldn’t give up until he found Minseok, Yifan was sure of it, even if that meant death was a possible outcome. They were insufferably stupid when it came to each other. Yifan had borne witness to their idiocy more than once in the past. Two stubborn soldiers madly in love with each other were a chaotic mess with a potentially explosive outcome. It was why he hadn’t been that upset when Lu Han had told him he had ended things with Minseok.

Yifan had always viewed the relationship as a liability on several levels. It could be career-ending if anyone found out Minseok and Lu Han were in a romantic relationship, they were soldiers in the People’s Liberation Army, an institution that did not accept homosexuality as anything but a mental illness and a character flaw. Lu Han’s father was a high ranking general; Lu Han’s scandal would kill his career unless he denounced his son. And for Minseok, his psyche, the very fabric of his personality was so tied to the military that Yifan doubted he would survive long outside of it.

Only a handful of people knew the truth of their relationship while it was going on, and Yifan was one of those people. Lu Han knew his old friend would accept him, and he did, with reservations of course. He had warned Lu Han to think it through, to really consider if it was worth it.

Yifan could still remember the way Lu Han looked when he said it - “He’s worth it, Yifan. He’s worth it to me.”

Yifan sighed. Somewhere on a mountainside, his friends were facing a choice. He only hoped that decision saw them coming back alive to a future that both could survive in.

He felt feverish. Minseok shivered, sweat sliding from his brow, down his cheeks, dripping onto his torn uniform. He limped forward, each step sending a searing shot of pain ripping through his calf and thigh. He gritted his teeth and continued, reminding himself that the alternative was laying down to die.

No matter how much he fought against it, death might take him -- it gnawed at the back of his mind, creeping up now his leg hurt the most. He could die out in the woods, never seeing his mother, father, or sister again. He could die, a soldier who made a critical error, alone.

He would die without having to see Lu Han as a husband. As a father. Married and happy while Minseok knew he would never be. These thoughts crashed down on him, like a wave eager to drag him under to his death._ Pathetic_. He was pitiful. Alone, injured, and too busy thinking about what could have been. What he_ should_ have done.

Minseok reached the crest of a ridge. Before him was a sharp slope, covered in thin trees, dead leaves mixing in with mud pressed against the ground. He gripped the thin trunk of a tree, staring down at what he would need to traverse. It was treacherous terrain, especially with his injured leg.

He would need to make it down, slowly, carefully. He put his good leg first, pistoning his weight onto one side as he slid slowly towards the next outcropping of trees. He managed to grab hold of a branch, steadying himself before he made his next minute journey of a few feet.

Minseok sucked in a deep breath and let go, the soles of his boots moving against the ground an inch at a time.

Lu Han married.

Lu Han in love.

Lu Han, who he had broken up with for stupid, foolish reasons that he didn’t want to dwell on.

Lu Han.

Lu Han.

Minseok registered that his feet were slipping out from under him, but he could do little to stop it. His legs gave out, and he was falling, his back hitting the hard ground before his body began to roll along the rocky, uneven terrain. His arm hit a branch, tearing a long gash in his skin. His injured leg was pushed in an unnatural angle, tearing a scream from his lips. It seemed like it took him forever to come to a stop, covered in mud, bleeding, a new set of pain racking his body.

_Pathetic._

Minseok let the tears fall as he stared up at the sky, body broken and bloody, nerve endings screaming in pain.

_Pathetic. _

Lance Corporal Huang watched the General as he worked, slyly peeking at him as wrote something on the large notepad that held his official seal on the top. He had served the General for three years, assigned to be his aide after showing exemplary service escorting diplomats at the capitol.

General Lu was unlike anyone Lance Corporal Huang (full name Huang Zitao) had ever worked for. Of course, he possessed the elements that made for a successful officer. He was lawful, dutiful, ethical, and loyal. General Lu knew how to command attention, how to work under pressure, and how to inspire. He was charismatic but taciturn, a mix of just outgoing enough to be well-liked and introverted enough to project a profound intellect. But he was also moody, prone to outbursts when he was alone, especially in matters concerning his only child, Captain Lu Han.

Zitao had witnessed these outbursts multiple times, keeping a straight face and disinterested, polite expression throughout them. He wasn’t supposed to show emotion when his superior officer was slamming his fist on his desk, shouting about the disappointment his son gave him. General Lu could be childish, Zitao realized. And that was a very interesting trait for a General of the People's Liberation Army to have.

Zitao had been waiting for the outburst to happen after Captain Lu Han’s wedding was called off. He expected the General to be particularly furious, storming around his headquarters for days on end. When that didn’t happen, Zitao was intrigued.

He cleared his throat. The last news he had of the matter was when the General had him pass the message to Captain Yifan. “Sir, has there been any news regarding Captain Lu?” It wasn’t insubordination to ask, but it still wasn’t his business. He liked to think after three years he forged some sort of personal relationship with the General, but he wouldn’t delude himself. This was the military, and the General was ranked far above him.

The General looked up from his paper. “No,” he said simply, returning to his work, his hand moving over the paper as he wrote quickly.

Zitao went back to staring at the wall, looking disinterested but ready to spring to attention if required.

“You know my son.” The General looked up from his paper. “He won’t stop until he gets what he wants.”

Zitao nodded. “Yes, sir.” He had been at the academy with Lu Han, he knew his competitive and stubborn personality well.

“Captain Kim means a lot to my son, there is no use in fighting it.” The General sighed. “Zitao, tell me, have there been rumors about them?”

Zitao pursed his lips. He didn’t recall ever hearing rumors about Captain Lu. He was well-liked. As for Captain Kim, he was known to be Captain Lu’s best friend, a quiet, talented officer who was well-liked by his men. “No, sir. Not that I’ve heard.”

“Perhaps I need to accept it this time. If they can keep it a secret, it might be okay.” He stared off, chewing on his bottom lip. His voice dipped a register like he wasn’t entirely happy he was saying the words out loud. “Perhaps it is time.”

Zitao was too afraid to ask him _what _exactly he would be accepting. The General was a complicated person, and honestly, he should be counting his blessings not having to see the man break down like a petulant child. Whatever reason kept the General from throwing a fit should matter little, Zitao thought. He should be thankful for what he didn't have to deal with at the moment.

The light rain that began to fall in the afternoon turned into a steady downpour as the sun sank below the horizon. Minseok was soaked to the bone, shivering, likely feverish. He was lying on his back in the mud, darkness invading the forest.

_I’m going to die, _he thought.

He slipped in and out of consciousness, at one point waking up and realizing the rain had stopped. He next gained awareness in the light of day, the sun beating down and heating up the humid slope of the mountain.

Minseok could feel the sun on his exposed skin, the sun drying him out but burning him in turn. He smacked his tongue on the roof of his mouth, so dry. He was thirsty, hungry, and in terrible pain.

_I am going to die._

He tried to roll over, groaning as he made it onto his side.

“Minseok!” Minseok looked up the slope, towards the place where his name was being shouted.

This was it, he was starting to hallucinate. He had to be. That was the only reasonable explanation for why Lu Han was standing higher up on the slope, his fatigues caked in mud and dirt, and his hair streaked back, twigs and leaves caught in the strands.

“Minseok!” Hallucination Lu Han moved quickly, dashing through the underbrush until he was kneeling next to where Minseok was lying prone. “Minseok.” Lu Han’s voice was raw, cracking. 

Minseok smiled up the hallucination. The hand felt so real as it smoothed over his arm. Hard, firm. Warm.

“Where are you injured?”

“I’m really dying, aren’t I?” Minseok snorted. “Of course, before I die, you have to be here to taunt me. It isn’t enough that you’re married now.”

“Minseok, it’s me.” Lu Han gripped his arm. “I’m here.”

“You’re not real.” Minseok managed to shrug Lu Han’s hand off his arm with a violent jerk.

“I’m real,” Lu Han insisted. “Minseok, thank god you’re alive.”

A second later, Lu Han was cupping his cheek, leaning in, tears in his eyes. Minseok held his breath for a moment, lost in the hallucination, Lu Han’s face so close after so long. He could see Lu Han’s long lashes, the glint that never left his eyes. Minseok was amazed that his mind could recall every little detail of Lu Han’s face so well, in so much fine detail.

_He loved him._ He had always loved Lu Han in a way that he couldn’t replicate with another person. Even as he lay dying, his mind held onto the thought, onto the knowledge it was always Lu Han who could make him feel wanted, who could reflect in his eyes the same affection and fondness that Minseok only possessed for one other person. _Love._

“I was so worried.” Lu Han whispered. “What in the hell were you thinking parachuting down here?” Lu Han’s tenderness disappeared as he reached forward and lightly smacked Minseok on the forehead.

Minseok could feel the sting on his forehead. It felt so real...He reached forward and slapped Lu Han’s arm, his muscles contracting painfully at the reach. Minseok groaned, but not before the hallucination winced. _Wait..._

“Lu Han?” Minseok could scarcely believe it. His mind froze up, devoid of thought, so shocked he couldn’t reason what had brought Lu Han to him.

Lu Han nodded. He slung his pack off his back and began rummaging through it. “I was afraid I wouldn’t find you in time.”

Minseok watched him, rendered mute by the strange reality he existed in. Lu Han was supposed to be on his honeymoon. Lu Han was supposed to be in Beijing. Lu Han was…

Lu Han shoved a canteen towards Minseok. “Drink. I have rations too, you should eat.”

Minseok looked at the canteen like it was a foreign object. Lu Han shoved it forward a few more inches, prompting Minseok to take it.

Minseok gripped the olive-green canteen. He raised it to his cracked lips, pressing the rim against his mouth. The cold water flowed into his mouth. He could never remember water tasting so good.

Lu Han was inspecting his leg, his fingers gently prodding where Minseok’s pants were torn. “Where does it hurt?”

“I think I tore something in my thigh,” Minseok said, gripping the canteen tightly. “But I might have broken something when I fell down yesterday.”

Lu Han worked quickly, cutting away the torn part of Minseok’s left pant leg. He produced a medical kit from his pack and went to work cleaning and bandaging the wounds he found.

Minseok let his head fall back into the damp earth, silent while Lu Han tended to him. He stared up at the sky, at the trees, his eyes losing focus and then returning. How…why….

“Why are you here?”

“I came to rescue you,” Lu Han responded, not looking up from where he was tending to Minseok’s leg.

Minseok swallowed thickly, eyes trained on the forest canopy above, dangerous thoughts skirting the edges of his mind.

Minseok protested when Lu Han lifted him, scooping him up in his arms. “Support my weight, I can walk,” he hissed.

Lu Han ignored him, carrying him slowly down the sloping terrain. Minseok gave up, resting his head against Lu Han’s shoulder while they descended. He was sure he still had a fever, but the rest of his injuries had been tended to. Lu Han was careful to clean and bandage everything before they moved out.

Lu Han smelled like the forest, like sweat and blood, rain, and dirt. Minseok knew he probably smelled worse. They were both filthy.

“Do you know the way out?” Minseok asked, his voice slowly regaining its tone after coming out cracked and dry from two days without water.

“Yes,” Lu Han said, tone firm.

“You didn't bring a satellite phone?” Minseok asked, remembering the piece of equipment he had wished he had with him the most.

“I didn’t,” Lu Han answered. “I rushed out without thinking.”

Minseok relaxed, the stiff fabric of Lu Han’s uniform rubbing against his cheek. Of course, it was Lu Han who found him. Of course, he would be the one.

“How could you leave your wife?” Minseok asked, secretly hoping that his question was muffled against Lu Han’s chest.

He could feel Lu Han stiffen.

“What wife?” he responded.

Minseok opened his mouth to ask again but quickly decided against it. Maybe he didn’t want to know.

“I know you pulled strings to allow my son to go on this foolish mission, and I know you aren’t naive about why he went, Captain.” General Lu’s gaze was unwavering, his shoulders rigid. “I am not going to waste either of our time by pretending you don’t know.”

Yifan kept his back straight, eyes trained on the ivory wallpaper of the General’s office.

The General sighed, and his shoulders visibly relaxed. Yifan could see it out of the corner of his eye, but he didn’t dare look down. The General might be someone he could go around in secret as a favor to an old friend, but face-to-face he had nowhere near the rank or prestige to do anything but silently obey the higher-ranking officer.

“I realized that getting him to agree to the wedding was a miracle. I was foolish to ever think he would go through with it all the way.”

Yifan had known well how the General reacted to his son’s sexuality. Lu Han had told him over beers more than once, angry little rants that always dissolved into a few tears. Yifan wasn’t sure what the General called him into his office for, but a reconciliation of his son’s future was unexpected.

“Tell me how many people know about it? Of my son and _him_. If it continues, how many people would know?” The General asked, his tone devoid of emotion.

Yifan didn’t blink at the way the General was speaking, at his apparent lack of concern for his missing son. Yifan knew as well as anyone that Lu Han was resourceful and resilient. He would come back alive, Yifan was confident of it.

“Sir, no one but a handful of friends is aware of the Captain’s,” Yifan sucked in a breath before continuing, trying to figure out how best to describe it. “_Relationship_.”

Yifan was certain. The General knew the risks, would always understand the risks of his son carrying on a homosexual relationship in the military. He also probably knew that Lu Han would do what he wanted, would see Minseok with or without his father’s approval. He had to decide if he wanted to support his son or not, and precisely what that meant in the long term.

They were both aware that the likelihood Lu Han and Minseok would return without rekindling what they once had was slim to none. Yifan didn’t entertain any illusions, those were shattered when Lu Han dashed out of his wedding to rescue Minseok.

The General stood up. He turned and wandered towards the large window that was tucked into the corner of his office. With his hands clasped behind his back, he turned to look out on the small courtyard, a spartan area that perfectly reflected the barren efficiency of military life.

“I need to ask you a favor,” The General said. “I may need your help, but it must remain secret.”

“Of course, sir,” Yifan answered. “Of course.”

Lu Han was far better at starting a fire than Minseok had been. He had one going shortly after they found a place to make camp, thankfully on flat, somewhat dry ground this time. He set Minseok down and ordered him to rest, dashing around camp to start a fire and pull out rations, while clearing room to sleep.

Minseok stared at the fire, feeling better than he had in days. Lu Han had said it would take another two days to get out of the forest, assuming they didn’t run into a rescue team before that. He was saved. He was no longer going to die, and he had his ex-boyfriend to thank for it.

Somehow his feelings being pathetic only increased as the reality of his savior sank in.

“Lu Han,” Minseok said finally. “Sit, we need to talk.”

Lu Han looked away from where he was rummaging through his pack. “What’s wrong?” He was quick to move to Minseok’s side.

“Nothing. Everything.” Minseok was aware he probably shouldn’t be having a serious conversation while still feverish, while still injured and stranded.

Lu Han sank down next to him, concern flitting across his face.

“Why did you come to find me?” Minseok asked. “On your wedding day,” he added. Maybe it was the fever that made him so bold, so reckless to ask the questions he might not really want the answer to.

“Minseok,” Lu Han started, not finishing. He looked at his lap, then back to Minseok. In the firelight, his eyes took on an almost glassy quality. “I couldn’t get married knowing you’re in trouble.”

“Yes, you could,” Minseok said firmly. “You should have. Lu Han, we broke up two years ago. You have every right to forget about me.”

Lu Han fell silent. Minseok watched as his shoulders relaxed like he was deflating, shrinking under the weight of things left unsaid.

“It was arranged,” Lu Han said softly, barely above a whisper. “The marriage was arranged. I only met her a few times before the wedding.”

Minseok swallowed. He had never known the details of the woman that Lu Han was going to marry. He didn’t even know her name, even though there was an invitation to the wedding sitting on his table back at his barracks dorm. Minseok had purposely not memorized it, acknowledged it, or tried to learn anything about the wedding besides for the date. He needed to know the date, so he knew when to be out of town.

“You were never going to come to the wedding, were you?” Lu Han asked.

“No,” Minseok admitted.

It was like they were dancing around something they both knew well. Their actions had implications that they could both read, acknowledge, understand if they chose to. Instead, they hung onto the possibility that it was all a grand misunderstanding, their fates one of sorrow and pain.

“Why?”

“I’m tired,” Minseok lied. “I want to sleep.”

Lu Han remained silent for a few seconds before he acquiesced, letting the question die. “I’ll get a sleeping roll ready,” he said, leaving the truth hanging between them yet again.

In the early morning hours, Minseok woke up, cold and shivering. He was shaking, and his leg hurt, throbbing pain shooting up it. He fiddled for the canteen that Lu Han had left near his bedroll, eagerly drinking down what water remained.

He didn’t notice Lu Han was awake until the soldier was scooting closer to him, reaching his arms out. “If you’re cold,” Lu Han murmured, offering to hold him.

Minseok looked at the ground. “I’m fine,” he lied.

“I’m not,” Lu Han said swiftly, his arms capturing Minseok and pulling him closer. Minseok made a grunt of annoyance but didn’t try to get away. Lu Han was gentle as he maneuvered them down into Minseok’s bedroll.

How long had it been since he had felt Lu Han pressed against him? Minseok swallowed thickly and closed his eyes.

The sounds of the forest at dawn was the only noise between them. Minseok began drifting off, torn out of the haze of approaching sleep when Lu Han spoke.

“I’ve missed you so much,” he whispered.

Minseok pretended he was sleeping. He kept his eyes closed, his body lax, as he felt the soft press of Lu Han’s lips to his cheek.

“I love you, Minseok,” Lu Han said quietly, holding him closer.

Minseok waited until he heard Lu Han softly snoring, only then did he open his eyes, his heart beating erratically. “I love you too,” he whispered to the dark of the forest.

Lu Han knelt near the flowing stream, dipping his canteen into the clear water. Minseok stood nearby, his weight resting against a tree, his fingers digging into the rough bark. He felt feverish, sweat accumulating on his brow even though he was resting. He had slept, but he was still tired, his body needed rest to heal. His leg, though bandaged, was still throbbing with each step. Lu Han had given him what pain medicine he had in his pack, but it had worn off, leaving him hurting again. He felt woozy, out of sorts. Being faced with death only to be narrowly pulled back addled his mind.

“If we walk until the afternoon the trees will start to thin out,” Lu Han said as he shook off the canteens, capping them. “Rescue helicopters should be able to find us if they are flying overhead.”

_If._ How many days had he been missing now? Had everyone but Lu Han given up?

Lu Han returned the canteens to his pack, then slipped it onto his back. He approached Minseok, ready to sweep him up into his arms.

“Let me walk, your back can’t take holding me this long,” Minseok said gruffly.

“Nonsense.” Lu Han swept in and with one motion had Minseok in his arms. “I’m strong, remember?”

“I’m stronger,” Minseok pointed out. How many times had that been proven when they spared together? Not to mention in the bedroom...

After they traveled for a while in silence, the question spilled from Minseok’s lips. “Do you hate me?” Minseok asked. Lu Han should, he had every right to.

“I could never hate you,” Lu Han answered without missing a beat. He readjusted his arms, pressing Minseok to him as he shifted his weight.

“I broke up with you,” Minseok said, facing it dead on. Fever dreams. Fever dreams, he repeated in his head.

“You did what you thought was right,” Lu Han said gently. He stepped over a fallen log, then angled to move through a section of dense underbrush.

What he thought was right? Minseok remembered so vividly the day he had ended it. Everything came to a head, erupting into a fight which saw Minseok leaving Lu Han’s dorm at the barracks, storming out onto the dark army base, stalking back to his dorm with his hands clenched into fists. A day later, he requested a transfer to a different base, one that was quickly granted by Lu Han’s father.

They had to keep their relationship a secret. Lu Han’s father didn’t approve of Minseok. Minseok’s parents didn’t even know Lu Han was their son’s boyfriend, even if they understood and accepted that Minseok was gay. Their friends barely knew, excluding Yifan, Yixing, and Jongdae. The men who served under them cast suspicious glances their way. Every time they met was dangerous for them. Every kiss they shared was done in the shadows, behind closed doors, their hearts pounding lest anyone discover they were more than friends.

The army life was eating at them. The stress of being an officer, the long hours, the pressure to succeed. All of it culminated to petty anger and hurtful words, hurled in the heat of the moment.

Minseok said it with spite, “I’m nothing but your dirty little secret.” And even if it was mutual, he was the one who vocalized it. Lu Han, angry and upset, had let him state it as fact, let him leave, let him go. Had never asked him to stay.

Minseok wasn’t sure if that was the moment they broke up, or if it had been coming for a long time. He only knew suddenly he was alone, and he couldn't deny that he was the one who had left.

“I wish we could have told everyone,” Lu Han said wistfully. “I wish the world was different.”

Minseok pressed his face against Lu Han’s chest, his arms snaked around his neck. He felt small, fragile, vulnerable. “We like being soldiers too much.”

“Yeah.” Lu Han swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing. “We’re both stubborn and stupid. No wonder we fell in love.”

_Love. _

Minseok had heard Lu Han whisper the words the night before. Love. They were still so blindly in love it hurt.

Minseok felt like his eyelids were getting heavy. He felt nauseous. He tried to fight it.

“Will you get married when we get back?” Minseok asked, closing his eyes.

“No. Not unless I can marry you.”

Minseok smiled against Lu Han’s uniform before it became too much, his body falling victim to the infection that had dug its claws into Minseok’s body.

Minseok woke with a start. Something was beeping near his ear, loud and constant. He looked to his left, wincing at the pain that shot through him at the sudden movement.

“Sorry, this just needs to be reset.” A person dressed in scrubs rushed into the room, moving towards the sound of the beeps.

Minseok squinted, blinking. He was in a hospital room. Looking down, he saw an IV attached to his hand and another in his left arm. His leg was in a cast and elevated by a sling. His mouth felt dry, and his head hurt, but he was alive.

“Oh, he’s awake,” the person said, looking over to see Minseok trying to sit up.

“He is?” Lu Han stood, stalking over to the bed. “Minseok, how do you feel?”

Minseok stopped trying to sit up and let himself relax into the bed. Lu Han was there, dressed in civilian clothing, a t-shirt and track pants. He looked tired, dark circles dipping down his cheeks. To Minseok he looked like heaven, a fever dream brought to life.

“Where am I?” Minseok managed to ask, eyes never leaving Lu Han.

“Three zero one,” Lu Han explained, citing the military hospital designation. “A rescue dispatch found us in the forest, but you were passed out by then. You’ve been asleep for the last three days. You had a nasty infection in the cut on your leg.”

Minseok’s head felt heavy, and everything seemed foggy. He tried to digest the fact he had been unconscious for so long, but his brain wasn’t functioning at an average speed. He was so tired, so exhausted. He blinked, eyes fluttering closed.

He felt a hand slip into his own and give it a squeeze. _Lu Han. _He smiled through the fatigue as he drifted off, holding the hand of the man he loved most in the world.

When Minseok next woke up, he was alone. A dim light was on behind his hospital bed, and a thin strip of light shone under the closed door. It was night, darkness greeting him when he glanced towards the window.

He felt less out of it, his head clearer. The pain had diminished as well, no longer tearing through him when he moved. Minseok managed to pull himself up into a semi-seated position, careful not to jostle his leg.

He spotted the nurse call button wrapped around the rail of his bed. He reached over and pushed the button, only having to wait about a minute for a nurse to arrive.

“You’re awake,” the male nurse smiled, shuffling into the room. “I’ll let the doctor on call know.”

“What day is it?” Minseok asked, trying to regain his bearings.

“The fifteenth,” the nurse answered. He walked to the computer that sat on the cabinet against the wall and punched something in.

The fifteenth. That meant he had crashed two weeks before. He must have fallen back into unconsciousness for a few days after he had woken up the first time. “Has Captain Lu been here?” Minseok asked, half-afraid it had been a dream.

“Yes, he left you this.” The nurse stopped typing long enough to grab an envelope from the cabinet. He walked it over, handing it to Minseok.

Minseok tore it open right away, not caring how eager it made him seem. He recognized Lu Han’s messy handwriting the second he opened the folded paper.

_I have things I need to take care of, and you need to get better, then we’ll see each other again._

_Get well quickly, Minseok. Please. For me. _

Minseok read and reread the short note.

_We’ll see each other again. _

He would need to hold onto the words, for as long as it would take. After all, it was all he had.

** _Seven months later..._ **

Minseok slung the black duffel bag over his shoulder, adjusting his stance to account for the extra weight. He stared ahead, taking in the long line near the ticket counter and the even longer one by the security checkpoint. He hated civilian airports for a reason.

Yixing’s hand patted Minseok’s shoulder in a comforting gesture. “You’ll be fine. The lines move fast.”

Minseok swallowed and nodded. He would be fine. The flight wasn’t that long, a few hours at most. He didn’t have to switch planes or go through customs. It should be easy.

“Try to relax, Minseok. You need it.” Yixing squeezed his shoulder one more time before he was stepping away, getting back into his car. “Remember to text me when you get there,” he called out before he slammed the driver side car door shut.

Minseok gripped the handle of his duffel bag and took a deep breath. Vacation. Yay.

Four hours later, Minseok had to admit it wasn’t a bad trip. The airport lines moved quickly, the seat next to him on the plane was empty, and he even managed to sleep for a few minutes before landing. He didn’t need to elbow his way to the luggage pickup because he had only brought a carry-on. Assuming finding transportation was uncomplicated, all in all he could admit the beginning of his forced vacation wasn’t awful.

Minseok glanced at the signs and began following them towards the ground transportation area. He walked a little slower, his leg mostly healed but with some residual damage that left him with a minor limp. He had spent the last seven months trying to compensate for his injuries, pushing himself to complete physical therapy and get better as quickly as possible. He didn’t pretend that his obsession with healing as fast as possible wasn’t related to Lu Han.

He hadn’t seen him or talked to him since their time on the mountain. Lu Han ended up being transferred to another base, and they had no reason to speak to each other in an official capacity. In an unofficial capacity, Minseok was afraid. He was scared to be the one to reach out just in case things had changed. Just in case Lu Han hadn’t meant it. Just in case that arranged marriage had reared its ugly head again.

Yixing and Jongdae had urged him a half dozen times to call Lu Han, but he shrugged it off. “I need to get better first,” was his usual excuse. He was too afraid to say _what if he doesn’t want me anymore?_

Yifan, a newly minted Major, was the person who insisted he go on vacation. “The amount of leave you have banked is ridiculous, Kim,” Yifan had drawled. “If you don’t go now, you won’t have time for months.” When Minseok dragged his feet on requesting leave, Yifan made it an order, not a request.

Minseok sighed. He shuffled his feet, narrowly avoiding a businessman who had stopped in the middle of the airport corridor, his cellphone to his ear.

He rounded a corner, following the signs. He was tired. Maybe when he got to the hotel, he would take a nap, he could use one.

Minseok glanced to his right, where lines of people were waiting with placards, Chinese characters of the people they were waiting for drawn neatly on the boards. He wasn’t paying careful attention because he wasn’t expecting anyone to be waiting for him. He entirely missed the board with his name on it, only stopping when someone shouted his name.

“Minseok!”

“Kim Minseok!”

“Damnit Minseok!”

Minseok turned to see Lu Han frantically waving the sign, trying to get his attention. He stopped walking and stared dumbly, not believing his eyes. He was dressed as a civilian, hair messy eyes bright.

Lu Han laughed, and then he was running around the barrier, doing a little hop until he was on the same side as Minseok. He rushed over, stopping in front of Minseok he reached for the duffel bag and slipped it off Minseok’s shoulder.

“What are you--”

“I love you,” Lu Han interrupted. “I love you, Kim Minseok and it’s time for our honeymoon.”

Minseok blinked at him. “Our-”

But Lu Han was already walking away, Minseok’s duffel bag on his shoulder. “You heard me. Come on, soldier. I have plans I don’t want us to miss.”

Minseok swallowed and sprung to action, jogging after Lu Han.

Plans turned out to be a hotel suite strewn with rose petals, a chilled bottle of wine waiting for them, a plate of strawberries and chocolate laid out on the rococo style table. It took Minseok’s breath away, how very…. Honeymoon like it really looked.

He whirled around to face Lu Han. “How long have you been planning this? How did you even get the same leave as me?”

Lu Han shrugged. “Awhile and um, my father and Yifan might have had something to do with it.”

“We haven’t even spoken since the accident.” Minseok couldn’t help but turn around to look at the way the rose petals lead up to the bed, forming a heart shape on the delicately embroidered duvet. And of course, Yifan had something to do with it! Minseok felt foolish not having considered why Yifan was so insistent he take his leave.

Minseok only stiffened for a moment when he felt Lu Han’s arms snake around his waist, Lu Han’s chest pressed to Minseok’s back, his breath tickling Minseok’s ear.

“I had some things to take care of,” he said in a low voice, hugging Minseok to him.

Minseok felt like crying, tears of frustration, and of happiness. He had been worried, he had been unsure, he had been stubborn but weak and hurt and… he moved his arm back, elbowing Lu Han in the stomach.

Lu Han jerked back. It wasn’t a hard hit, but enough for him to make an _oomph_ noise.

“What was that for?” Lu Han asked, hands on his stomach.

“Not calling for seven months,” Minseok deadpanned.

“You didn’t call either,” Lu Han pointed out.

Minseok ignored him, padding over to the bed. “It’s pretty.”

A thought flitted through Minseok’s head -- was this the same thing Lu Han had planned for the woman who he was going to marry? Had there been a hotel room like this, laid out with rose petals and wine for them to drink after the wedding? A pang of misplaced jealousy settled in his chest, melting away when Lu Han foolishly approached him and repeated the action of hugging Minseok from behind.

Lu Han pressed a kiss to Minseok’s neck.

“I missed you,” he murmured.

Minseok relaxed into his arms. “I missed you too,” Minseok answered, heart swelling with affection.

It felt so right to lean back, to have Lu Han’s arms around him, Lu Han’s breath warm against his neck. Everything about the situation felt like a homecoming, one that Minseok feared was too good to be true.

“Are we dating again?” Minseok asked, voice quiet.

“Do you want to be?”

“Yes,” Minseok answered.

“Hmm, then yes.” Lu Han pressed another kiss to Minseok’s neck. Then another, his lips parting as he kissed lower.

“It’s healed well.” Lu Han’s finger traced the scar on Minseok’s thigh, only the slightest pressure applied by his fingertip. His hand moving along the pink mark that started right above Minseok’s knee. “Does it still bother you?”

“Sometimes,” Minseok answered. He looked down, watching Lu Han’s hand move along his naked skin. They were in bed, the rose petals long discarded onto the floor to rest among their clothing. Only one of the bedside lamps still burned, casting a dim glow in the room.

Lu Han scooted down the bed, angling his head so he could press his lips along the puckered flesh of Minseok’s scar. He kissed along the mark, gently, reverently.

“I love you,” Minseok breathed, relishing in the fact he knew his words would be returned.

“I love you too,” Lu Han answered, words spoken against the skin, against the reminder of what had brought them together again.

Their future wouldn’t be easy, their relationship couldn’t be announced, couldn’t be shared. But Minseok could reconcile it, he knew, sitting in the hotel suite, Lu Han’s lips and hands on his body.

They were together, with a future ahead of them as long as they could bear it. And for Lu Han, Minseok knew, he could bear anything.

_I love you._


End file.
